01252011

When I come up with a new musical idea, I give it that day's date in lieu of an actual title.  That way I don't have a million projects labeled "Slow C thing" as the working title.

I've found throughout my musical creation history that I'm very grateful that I chose to do this.  It gives me a lot of insight into what I was feeling and thinking at that time.  For instance, late August and early September of 2008 was a very creative time.  There was a lot of energy in the music I created at that time.  This is very strange because that was right around the time that the band I was in (Hodgepodge) broke up.  Maybe this was my way of spewing it out unedited.

Conversely, September of 2004 was very relaxed-sounding, almost melancholy.  Sort of a surprise.  I had to come to terms with moving away from California to Minneapolis to start some semblance of a new life.  I had a lot waiting for me in the way of expectation, or so I thought.  In December of that year, I would be driving halfway across the country with Jeremiah.  Those who know me even fairly well know that I'm not a religious person in the least, but some of the music and lyrics seem almost religious in nature.

Slow-forward a month into late October and there is a very strange mix.  One of Hodgepodge's most energetic songs stemmed from October 24th, a song called "Just Friends."  What a Sunday that was, for not only was there that very empirical song about rejection, but another track, this an instrumental, forever titled as "10242004" is a dire mix of phased guitars interspersed with a bongo/piano outro.  "10242004-1," which would later be named "Just Friends," starts with my voice over saying "Hold on, you know I'm drunk, right?"  I wasn't.  Here's the first verse's lyrics:

"You spill your guts and man, it hurts
You try to take it back and it just gets worse.
You tell yourself you'll just be friends
And hope that it was worth it in the end.

She hasn't called; it's been four days.
Seems like these friends went their separate ways.
We said we cared and "keep in touch,"
But being just friends is really tough, oh yeah."

High class lyrics, you have to admit.  I have hundreds of songs I've written in various forms of being, from about ten seconds of an idea to fully-produced and -mastered stuff.  Like all art, some are good and some are bad, although that's subjective.  Even the most derivative of my songs had something to say at some point, even if it was just restating something a previous song had already beaten to death.

The best of my songs are very simple in terms of music yet tell a good story.  There were the six songs I wrote for a pretend movie that later turned out to be a real (but never made) movie that later turned out to be an unfinished manuscript about being pretend for real.  But hey, it's got a soundtrack, and I am proud to say that I've written it.

Not to brag, but I feel like I could sit down and show someone how to write a song in a couple of hours.  It wouldn't necessarily be a good song, but it would be a song that they could say they'd written and could then use as an impetus for writing another, better song.

Some of my favorite songs that I've written have just seemed to flow out of me.  Inspiration is funny like that.  Very recently, I've come to believe that when you're sufficiently inspired, you will feel like almost nothing is out of reach.

Songwriting Manifesto

(This is actually something I wrote in October of 2009 and posted on Facebook, but I wanted to archive it here for my own, easier perusal.  Sometimes I write things that I want to go back and reread because it's a great snapshot of how I felt about something at the time.  This is something I needed to read again today, and I wanted to share it with all of you.)


Preamble: At first I was loathe to attempt an impart of so-called wisdom. This is too personal a thing to impart. What makes a songwriter a songwriter? What makes a bird sing? Is it nature? It is instinct? Is it desire? Is it all of those? You'll decide, but here's something I hope will help you fulfill all three.

Body: Succumb to it, yo: You are a song writer. You don’t just write songs. You don’t just play guitar. You don’t just sing. You are a singer. You are a guitarist. You are a song writer. Sure, it may seem like a crazy mental-trickery thing, but it’s important to note that you are above reproach in this. Of course you’ll make mistakes. But you’re never wrong. See how easy that is? Does that make it easier to take a chance if you know you’ll never really mess up? You’ve heard a bad song before, one that you know is truly bad in a lot of ways. But you’ve heard it, so that person must be a successful song writer if they can get a bad song heard, much less to your ears as an audio consumer.

I don’t want to hear excuses about how you can’t play guitar (yet) or can’t sing (yet). Just sing and play and write songs. Do you know how many singers out there hit bum notes but still move you? I’ve played guitar for 20 years and I still hit the wrong string once in a while. Do I write a bad song occasionally? Yes, but I move on from it and write better songs because of it.

Practice: I've written and recorded several songs in a day. I’ve jotted down only one idea for a song in a whole month. Wet to dry, flow to ebb, and so it goes. Everything and nothing inspires sometimes. New situations and new people inspire. I highly recommend them.

The practice part is writing a song. To learn how to write a song you need to do nothing. It doesn’t even take any music. You just write as though it were a story. Or an e-mail. Or poetry. It is and it isn’t. It generally has structure. It doesn’t have to rhyme. Punctuation doesn’t matter. I personally believe it’s all about the story. What are you getting across and to whom? If you can do that, if you can give one person goose bumps just once in their or your life from one song that you've written, then you are a good song writer.

So pick a month of the year and make it your goal to write a song that month. Let’s say it’s December. How much stuff is going on in December for the average person? Lots. There’s the usual shopping for family gatherings, some end-of-year parties and get-togethers, and definitely the birthdays of those poor people who were born way too close to Christmas. As a Cancer, I can only sympathize, not empathize. Why would we pick this horribly-busy month in which to write a song? 

Okay, so maybe you wouldn't pick it to write your first song. But when it comes down to expressing emotion, what better scenario is there other than one in which you are stressed, happy, anxious, depressed, ecstatic, and just about every emotion in the world? If you’re not moved in some fashion during a time when you have no time, will you ever be moved? Okay, I’m sounding like one of those art teachers who goes “you suck! You will never create anything good” and then I have you seeking my approval. Not the case. The point is – my point is, that is – that you have all this stuff inside you and to get it out you just have to let it out. Just start doing it. You don’t have to wait until December or any other time or event.

It starts with an idea, a lyric, a melody, a rhyme, and a beat. These things come out of your brain because you have them inside of it. Your brain has plenty of it in there. When it all comes down, when it all comes crashing down, you can place yourself in a time of innocence while life is falling apart. You can don that mask of despair on a sunny day. You can smile through tears and make a song of hope. It sounds kitschy and clichéd but this is the way it is. 

It’s okay to be overwhelmed. It’s a useless emotion, but it has its place. Yes, I realize that’s contrary. But that feeling of being squeezed into a corner is useful if it fuels a passion of another sort. I kinda feel that way about all negative emotions. They’re there to motivate, in a way. Sure, they don’t need to be there, but they are there. You can use them to do all sorts of things, but I’m all about writing songs and creating music, so that’s my recommendation.

A few spontaneous examples/ideas:

Exercise #1: Pick a feeling. Pick a place. Pick a time of your life. Pick two people. Mash ‘em up in a story. It doesn’t matter if they all occurred at the same time. You can change the names to something that rhymes or looks more fluid. Tell me a story about it. That’s it. Exercise over.

Exercise #2: Write a song about something you dislike. What makes you angry? Make the song only 30 seconds long. 

Exercise #3: Think. Just think for a minute. Block out all that extra stuff and listen. Let the noise disappear. Imagine what happiness looks and sounds like. When happiness walks into the room, what do the foot steps sound like? Does happiness have a smell? Just think about it. You don’t even have to write anything unless something comes to mind.

Exercise #4: Pick up a guitar. This should be one with new strings that’s recently been tuned. Play two or three chords you know and play them over and over, keeping a steady rhythm if possible. Hum. Hear what a melody in your head sounds like over some chords. We’re not even worried about notes. If it sounds off, it might be, but it might not be. Just hum softly, loudly, and in between, wherever the beat and chords call you to. Sometimes words appear here for me and it drives an idea I didn’t know I had.

You have writing tools at your disposal all the time. Whether it’s something to hum an idea into (learn how to record Voice Notes on your phone), write something down on (paper and pencil – check), and maybe some caffeine or a libation (Liquid Inspiration - you unfortunately have to take care of that part yourself), there are just those things you need to have at the ready.

So be ready.

John

Pascal's Triangle

Today I’m going to talk briefly about food.

I love food.  I feel lucky that I don’t weigh a lot more just because of how much I love food.  I was a vegetarian for many years.  I lived in California for many years.  I’ve traveled all over the country and had local and ethnic cuisine from many places.  I consider myself quite fortunate that I’ve had these experiences.

When it comes down to it, I’m a bit of a snob.  Food is usually one exclusion, though.  I’m not really picky.  If someone offers me something new, I’ll try it.  I’ll eat fine cuisine and fast food in the same day and be okay with it.  One of my favorite foods is sushi, but I also love those Totino’s “party pizzas.” 

On the subject of pizza, I splurged the other day and got a garlic mashed potato pizza from Pizza Luce, arguably the Minneapolis-Saint Paul area’s best pizza.  As there is now a location less than 2 miles from my house, I frequent it a little more than I probably should.  However, a large pizza will last me two or three days worth of meals, so it’s really not a bad investment.  That’s my justification for you. 

Moving on, I opened the box and saw this:

Notice the little triangle in the middle of the pizza.  I’ve long known that this is a stand-off so that the top of the pizza box doesn’t cave in on the awesomeness we call pizza.

However, for nearly as long if not longer, I’ve wondered if there was an alternative use for this plastic pizza protector.  And what’s that thing called anyway?  I’m going to call it Pascal’s Triangle.  That’s about the closest thing I was able to find to an actual answer in my two clicks on Google.

I tested a few lifelong theories and discovered the truth, that this plastic lid support is actually a tiny little table with which you can feed tiny little creatures.  I rest my case and photographic evidence is provided henceforth:

And of course the dog ends up begging for scraps.  Silly doggy. 

New Specs

For most of my life, people have had an opinion on my wearing of glasses.

Many said “get contacts” and, later, “get eye surgery.”  Some, the ones that have known me the longest, said they couldn’t imagine me not wearing glasses.  I’ll see a large group of close family in a couple of weeks and it will be very interesting to see their reaction.  Although they’ve no doubt seen pictures or videos of me without glasses, the in-person reaction is one that I’ll now be able to actually see while I’m not wearing my glasses.

Speaking of people’s reactions to me now wearing contact lenses, I recently stated on my Facebook page that “I've noticed that some people treat me and look at me differently now that I don't wear glasses all the time.”  Although I acknowledged that perhaps it was me that was now seeing me differently, I feel like my initial statement might deserve a little more explanation.

After some thought, and a little bit of experimentation, it seems that I am viewed a bit differently.  I suppose that my glasses could lend a superficial air of intellect and maturity, but the way I carry myself and my actions shouldn’t be impacted just by the simple fact of not wearing glasses, should they?  It’s strange, because I do feel a little less distanced from reality when not wearing my glasses.  I feel a little more in touch with my surroundings.  It's been only a week since I started wearing contacts.

I know I’ll catch some flak for this, but I have always felt like my eyes were one of my strongest features.  They're big and bright and blue and quite expressive.  My glasses actually shrank the appearance of my eyes. They covered up the lines of my face and reshaped my head.  I’m not going to post photos; you’ll just have to take my word for it if you’ve never before seen me wearing glasses.

Anyway, the point of this entry was twofold, the first point of which is to remark that, whether it’s in part my outlook or theirs, people seem to look me in the eyes a little more.  People's glances seem to be longer, too.  It's as though I paid someone to make me more attractive.  Quite frankly, I do feel more attractive.  It makes me want to explore some of the other stereotypes out there, but that's another topic altogether. 

The second point is below in list format, and it outlines very briefly the things that are weird (or cool) to me about now not having glasses.

Showers – You can’t wear glasses in the shower and expect them to stay dry and work properly.  It’s weird not to have to take my glasses off.

Haircuts – I typically provide my own trims via a razor but I really want to go get a haircut and experience what so many take for granted.

The Dentist – I’m not really looking forward to this one, I guess.  I had two fillings done a few weeks ago and took off my glasses as a matter of course. I couldn't see all the usual dentist stuff.  Would I want to?  Not sure.

Physical Therapy – There was one exercise that puts you in a machine that squishes your head.  Now I can see clearly while I’m in it, including seeing myself in the reflection of the window so I can see my squished head.

Cheap Sunglasses – I think that tomorrow I’m going to go into a convenience store and buy a five-dollar pair of sunglasses, mostly for the same reason that, when in Wisconsin, I go to a gas station on a Sunday and buy beer:  because I can.

Snow on my cheeks – It was snowing yesterday and instead of needing windshield wipers on my glasses, I could feel it in my eyelashes and on my cheeks.  It was a strange experience, but really cool and a bit surreal.

Finally, I just found out I have a freckle on my nose underneath where my nose pad on my glasses sits.  Sat.  They sat, as in, used to sit.  Past tense.  At the risk of sounding snobby, I don’t wear glasses anymore.

I’m going to stop there but I’m interested in how others view this topic.  Share your thoughts and feelings.

The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

Part One:

There have been many years that I’ve celebrated this whole New Year thing and plenty of years I’ve just wanted to ignore it.  2010 has been a whirlwind of a year, full of some things from which I’m glad to move on, and packed with yet other things that excite me beyond belief and give me cause for lots of hope in the upcoming year.

I’ve not usually been the type to make resolutions, however, a couple of weeks ago, I told myself that I needed to stop procrastinating.  In fact, I decided not to wait until the first of the year to stop this just to make sure I didn’t have any excuses.  That’s not to say that I’m super organized, because above and beyond the whole procrastination thing is that I’m working on being less of a perfectionist.  I’m giving myself permission to be lazy sometimes.  It seemed that before I would just see the things about which I had been lazy and chide myself for them. 

What a waste of time that was!  Why get down on yourself about what you haven’t done?  Why not do something instead?  There were plenty of times where I stopped myself from even trying.  It was a horrible cliché.  I spent time listening to and creating depressing music.  In some ways, I have to laugh at the perpetuation of that stereotype.  All that was missing was me painting my fingernails black. 

I didn’t share my feelings with my friends or most of my family.  There were so many things bothering me (struggling with not seeing my daughter as much I'd like to after my divorce, financial woes, emotional and psychological issues) that I hid from so many because I felt like the things I was going through weren’t worth bothering others with.  I let my insecurities get the better of me time and again and unwittingly undermined some very important relationships as a result.  Those who stuck with me and supported me have my very deserving love.

It sounds weird to me to say that I forgive myself for things in the past, because I know there’s plenty that I have yet to make up for.  There are times, though, where I think you just have to admit that you messed up and that there isn’t anything you can go back and do.  It’s just ghosts haunting you sometimes, and dwelling on that isn’t going to help you move forward.  I’m sure I’ll stumble from time to time, but being able to say that it’s “no big deal” to stumble is a big deal to me.  If that sounds cryptic, I apologize.  Mistakes are okay.  I used to not think so.  That’s what I’m trying to say.

Part Two:

I lived in Las Vegas for a very short time (about 7 months) before moving to Los Angeles.  I spent one particular December 31^st on the Las Vegas Strip with my friend Kathy, getting sick off a bread pudding buffet and marveling at the throng walking up and down the Strip.  They closed off most of Las Vegas Boulevard except for pedestrian traffic and it was a madhouse. 

It was overwhelming and empowering.  I recommend that everybody do it at least once.  One summer, I was in Times Square, and I can only imagine how crazy that would get.  I think that someday I’d like to find out in person.  Sometimes I see “Freeway People” out there driving around and I ponder the life that they are headed to and then try to extrapolate that to all the other people in all of the other cars on the road.  Try it for yourself once.  That New Year’s Eve on the Strip was overwhelming because that’s a mentally and emotionally exhausting thought, but still very interesting.

Soon after I moved to Los Angeles, Minneapolis-based band Semisonic came out with a fantastic album containing several hit singles.  There was a song on that album (written by the drummer, no less) called “This Will Be My Year,” and it’s a song I mentally reflect on just as the year is drawing to a close.  I’ll leave it to you to Google or whatever if you choose.  I love the song for many reasons, which I won’t visit tonight.

Part Three:

Resolutions are usually excuses to me.  Perhaps I’ve been a bit too harsh in the past, even ignorant, because I do believe that resolutions stem from good intentions.  It’s usually to quit smoking, get fit, eat better, lose weight, or something like that.  Those aren’t bad goals, and some of them are even included in my list.  Below are my resolutions, things with which to feed my soul and to help me grow as a person.  I haven’t made any resolutions for years, so I have many of them as we close out this decade.  I’ll even list ones I’ve already “completed” just so you and I see where my head’s at.  You can feel free to preface it with the obligatory “not in any particular order” tag.

1. Music
1. To create more.  I have a ton of song ideas every day, most of which I let sit dormant and then do nothing with.
2. To improve at expressing myself emotionally via music.  To that point, I am working with a vocal coach to improve my approach technically and to drop some of the mental blocks I’ve put up in my own way.
3. To once again perform in a musical project, whether by myself or as part of a collaborative effort.
2. Mentally
1. To read more simply for my own edification about subjects with which I am not familiar and about which I am passionate.  This includes understanding opposing viewpoints.  How else am I to bolster my opinion or refute it in order to understand what I really think about a subject?
2. To uncloud my mind and think more clearly.
3. Mind Games.  I want to feel like I’m as smart as I “used to be.”  Over the years, I’ve let insecurities creep in and beat myself down.  I’m an intelligent person.  I don’t need to be the smartest person in the room.  That’s a lot of pressure.  Where they exist, I just want to take opportunities to learn and to refine my thinking.  If I'm the smartest person in the room, how can I learn anything?
4. To update some of my certifications, and to add a couple of new ones.  I’ve got the study materials.  Time to walk the walk.  Will it help me in my job?  Perhaps.  Will it help me get a different job?  I love my job but I also need to look at expanding my skills and growing my technical skills.  I’ve let them stagnate.  I’m not looking for a different job, however, I’m going to pursue these goals first and then be open to what the Universe might have in store for me.
3. Socially/Interpersonally
1. To spend more time with my friends.
2. To communicate my thoughts more clearly.
3. To cultivate more meaningful relationships with those I care most about.
4. Emotionally
1. To take criticism less personally.  I used to be horrible at taking compliments.  Criticism can be a really good and useful thing and I’ve not always seen it that way.  I don't need other people's approval to tell me if I'm worthy.
2. To accept my insecurities for what they are but not to let them limit me.
3. I’m seeing a therapist to help me wade through all the stuff in the past.  I am tired of feeling like I’m always chasing ghosts.
4. To stand up for myself.
5. Physically
1. To eat better.  Not less, just better.  I eat a lot of candy and chocolate and I’m not necessarily going to stop, but I would like to have a bit more of a balance when it comes to what I consume.
2. To take better care of myself.  This is open to interpretation, but I’ve done a few things lately to this end, including giving up most caffeine (harder than I’d thought it would be).  I’ve started to have some sort of basic exercise routine.  I used to go to the gym every morning and be one of those “wake up at 5am and go work out” people.  I don’t think I was a zealot; I just didn’t have any other time that I could do it and not feel like I was shirking other obligations.  I don’t really need to lose weight, but I want to feel more fit.
3. I’m vain.  I admit that.  I’ve often been self-conscious of my teeth not being as white as they could be.  I’ve typically taken very good care of my teeth and have only had two cavities in the last ten years.  I went to the dentist for a normal checkup and asked about getting my teeth bleached.  So I’m about halfway through the process and I like the results that I see.
4. I’ve worn glasses since roughly third grade.  I’ve tried getting fitted for contacts in the past but had mixed results, including one time that apparently ended with me coming to on the floor of the optical department at the Macy’s I worked at.  That was a little embarrassing, but it gave me resolve when I once again decided to pursue contact lenses.  It took about twenty minutes to insert the first lens, but I persevered.  I have to say that I now hate wearing glasses.  They feel alien, and it’s only been a few days since I’ve started wearing contact lenses.  My daughter calls them “windows on your eyes.” 

You’ll notice how open-ended all of these are.  Sure, there’s room for completion of things, but it would seem ironic to put some sort of ending point in sight when I’m talking about forward progress.  In the spirit of forgoing procrastination, I’m not even going to wait until midnight to post this.  Happy New Year!

IT Tech (A Missive in D Minor)

It's inevitable.  Or is it "evitable?"  Is there such a word?  I think there is now.  I'd google it but I'm on a roll, a Kaiser if you must know.  Seriously, does "googling it" mean I have to use an uppercase G?  I just figure it's so watered-down now that either version is acceptable to the judges.

Speaking of Google, it's my number one resource.  I get an error message, I gGgGgGoogol it. Golgo 13 was a Nintendo game.  Most of the time it provides enough matches and makes it so I don't even have to click on them to understand what the issue was.  I'm also "computer smart."  Intelligence/intellect/smarts:  They are all slightly different things.  I understand how computers work on a fairly low level and can understand how the different systems within the system interact and can affect each other.  So there.

At a Thanksgiving dinner with some old friends and some brand-new ones, I was asked what I did.  Once it was found out that I work on computers for a living, I got the unavoidable question "say, can you tell me what's wrong with my computer?"  But the joke was on me, for it was a joke!  This is probably the first Thanksgiving I've been at where I wasn't seriously asked to fix someone's computer.

I love working on and fixing computers.  There's a challenge in it that I relish.  I also like relish.  However, if you know an IT guy or girl, here are a few basic guidelines to follow when asking him or her about your computer:

1. IT people are used to working with computers, not necessarily people.  It may not make sense when they first start to talk.  They may not be socially "ept" enough to get to the point right away.  Also keep in mind that there is sometimes no clear, defined answer to a computer question.  "It depends" is probably how I could (and used to) start almost every answer to a computer-related question.  Be patient and persistent, but always be polite (see #3).

2. Don't expect them to work for free, but if they do, try to be realistic about time expectations.  Some IT people aren't fast even when they are on the clock at their regular jobs.  I'm often working on multiple projects and am constantly having my priorities shuffled.  There is a long-standing joke about how IT people just goof off on the Internet all day.  It's not that it's patently untrue; stereotypes exist for a reason, after all.  I'm just saying, offer to pay them but also be upfront about when you need something done and expect that real life may get in the way.  Even if you take your computer to (shudder) the Geek Squad, you can experience delays (and other heartaches).  This is because yours is probably not the only computer on which they have been asked to work.

3. Be nice to IT people.  They may not seem like they have feelings, however, as nice as they are, you may often drop to last on their "list of people to help" if you act entitled.  If you find an IT person you like, make sure that he or she receives an occasional greeting that's not just "can you take a look at my computer?"  It took quite a while for me to get used to the fact that there were some people who just said hello and didn't ask me to fix anything.  The ones that make me pumpkin-flavored baked goods are handily among me fav'rites!

4. I've run into people who have a (spouse/brother/uncle's cousin's former roommate) who also knows a lot about computers "and she said" to do this.  That's great and all, but they're not the one looking at your computer, are they?  I'm open to other people's expertise, to be sure, but sometimes I just want to be left alone to fix your broken electronics.  And damn it all if I am expected to be nice in the process!

5. Finally, if you feel like you aren't getting the responses you'd like when it comes to having someone else look at your computer, there is always yet another person who will look at it.  Keep in mind that in a town with two barbers, one with messy hair, and one with a nice coiffure, you should go with the barber who cuts the hair of the barber whose hair you prefer.  Wow, that was quite the sentence.  That is to say, you probably shouldn't let someone who constantly gets worms and viruses (either on their computer or on their person) work on your computer.  That said, even the most security conscious of IT geeks has been struck by a virus or two in his or her day.  But just like a nurse that occasionally gets a cold, this is something to break the ice with, e.g., "this is a nasty virus.  What do you do when you get a virus like this?"  I see the fact that I've had a few of these as a testament to the fact that I can more closely relate to your problems.  Because I've experienced the heartache of a crashed computer and lost files, I'm better able to say "wow, that sucks," and mean it.

Finally (part two), just like one is purportedly the loneliest number, D Minor is considered to be the saddest musical key.  Your music theory education has just commenced.

I've Lied to You All

I'm a liar.

At least, that's what this whole blog thing is about.  This is just a persona that I don.  There are flecks of my personality in there, but I've long been the type to mask my true feelings with humor.  Some call it a defense mechanism, and the some that do would be right.

It's to distract you.  It's so you'll laugh at me in a way that I can control rather than expose the fragile pieces of myself that you might laugh at and through which I might feel hurt.

Now, we all wear a mask of some sort when it comes to certain things.  In a lot of ways in my life I've been selfish and guarded.  I've been short-sighted and too quiet.  This is not meant to be some sort of confessional.  I have a lot of very good qualities, too.  I'm kind and loving and generous, sometimes too generous.  I can also be very permissive and an enabler when I least need to be.

I tell you all these things because you may think at times you'll know me from reading all this.  There is bound to be some way in which I'm exactly the same as every one of you reading these words.  Maybe this smacks of grandiosity, however, don't buy into everything I say.  It's for entertainment purposes only.  It's a novelty, and a moderately well-crafted ruse.  My brain works in some very predictable ways, some of them quite flawed.

That's what I'm here celebrating with you.  That's why, Dear Reader, I want you to be just as much a part of this as I am.  I want to explore my flaws through humor.  I want to learn to cope with them in my own way.  The most personal things I will deal with in my own, personal way.  I'm not going to completely bare my soul on the Internet.  After all, this is just for fun, right?

There, I needed to get that out.  Now I can get back to creating a fart noise ringtone generator.