So I'm thinking about taking one of my friends and, for the next several years, dressing them like crap. I would do it, however, I don't want to dress like crap (easy target, folks). Their social networking site of choice will feature them over a few years looking rundown and ragamuffin and such. I will then submit this to "What Not to Wear" and they will be able to go on to the show and win several thousands of dollars for clothes.
Now, what we must surely remember is that the experience can not, nay, it must not be this smooth. There are ever-increasing standards...strike that...ever-decreasing standards of fashion on these shows. No longer can we idly sit by and witness a mere People-of-Walmart-style visual intrusion. Nay. I say, nay!
What I'm thinking is that I should go to the thrift store or rummage through dumpsters or hit up FreeCycle and look for the most ill-fitting clothes possible. There would be conflicting patterns, multiple, layered plaids, and the like. It would be very bizarre, to be sure. And that bizzarrity would be (shhhhh) on purpose! I would cultivate a lie using spendthrift fashion and that fashion would then make me rich!
We'd go on the show. The two hosts (I'd only be lying if I said I knew their names when it would really be Wikipedia naming them for me) would introduce the before segment. I'd be talking to them about how, for as long as I've know Friend A, he'd been a sloppy dresser. Maybe a group of us had gathered as friends and scheduled some sort of intervention. But it would always be chalked up to Friend A's "unique sense of style" or a certain (why do people always preface this with the word certain) je ne sais whatever. The back story doesn't matter. I might as well just start making stuff up now in preparation. Maybe when Friend A was a kid, he believed in the Tooth Bunny or perhaps he was utterly and hopelessly convinced that the cruise control button was really used to eject passengers who misbehaved.
Then comes the shopping part. And I've only seen the show a few times, so I'm just reaching here, but I think there would be the part where Friend A would try on all of these clothes that looked smashing on him (realize that I'm saying that as heteroly as I can), and he would poo-poo them (realize that I'm saying that as non-heteroly as I can). The hosts would scoff at him and we'd all give these wink, wink, nudge, nudges and make fun of his obvious fashion deficit.
Cut to a commercial for some sort of pharmaceutical.
Is it just me, or is my Spam folder in my e-mail just a haven for all sorts of ways to increase sexual function? Two and two.
Now we're in the home stretch of the clothing event. This is where we finally convince Friend A to let the fashion experts guide him. Of course, it's all been an act this entire time. Friend A does not dress great in the terms of the fashion experts, but he is moderately civilized. His socks match not only his pants and shoes, but each other. That is the height of fashion.
They spend a lavish amount of money on his coiffure as well! Perhaps they bring an old lover to the set to show her what she could have had if she'd only taken him on a shallow reality show! As if Friend A would want someone so shallow! He is a trend-setter! He is stardust! He has moxie! Plaid moxie! Two kinds of plaid moxie! At the same time! What a taste-maker he is now! Even the simplest of sentences in this paragraph deserves an exclamation mark!
By now the hosts are just going gaga over their own awesomeness. The awesometer can only go so far to the right before it swings back around, pendulum-style, to the other end of the, well, pendulum. The hosts collapse into gibbering puddles of drool, and the end credits roll as the episode is entered into the annals as easily one of the Top Seventeen Episodes of "What Not to Wear." Even I'm starting to buy into the hype. And, hey, I'm the same size as Friend A so I get to wear all that expensive crap he got for being on the show. Didn't see that coming, did you, Friend A?
There would be a huge promotional package for the upcoming season. My friend would be prominently featured on it. Even I would make it into a few cut scenes in the commercials. We'd be minor celebrities.
And that's when the show would get canceled.
Well, maybe there's a Hoarders spin-off to yet bamboozle myself into.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
I Like to Make Up Words
You ever eat an entire bag of chips? I did once. Wait, that was just now. I also consumed a crapload of sour cream in the process. (Hey, blog editor text box, why did you underline crapload? There! You did it again! Jerk!)
They were the baked kind, though, so that's somewhat healthy, right? While I was purchasing said chips, I was also carrying some pants hangers and some soda (that's right, soda, not pop). I wondered what this said about me as a person to other observers. Since I'm sometimes hyper-aware and insecure, I took this to the next illogical leap: if you are in a new relationship, you should go to the store with this person and buy three items. You should have decided in advance what these three items are. Be as generic as possible. Don't say "Archer Farms Black Pepper and Sea Salt Baked Potato Crisps." Say "chips."
Why this will lead to hilarity (in my eyes, at least) later on is because you and your potential mate will either gel or not gel in your shopping styles. Again, don't shop for clothes. Shop for food. You need food. You will buy food regularly. This is something that will set the stage for the future of your relationship. By the way, unless you're a real masochist, your first date should not be at Target.
Pick three items, like I said. Here are the three that I spotted and so purchased:
Pants hangers
Dr. Pepper 12-pack
The aforementioned bag of chips
If we were to genericize (I like to make up words) this list, it would consist of hangers, soda, and chips. Simple enough, right?
Okay, I'm straying from the point. I do this often. What you'll want to observe in your potential mate during this time is how their shopping style compares to yours. Do they walk at the same speed as you? Do they get distracted easily from the mission? Do you? Does this matter to you? Will this matter to you later on? Imagine doing this during a more stressful time, like during 0800 on the day after Thanksgiving in a strange town. The time will come.
I'm running out of mental brainpower (bring on the jokes at my expense, friends!) and so I'm going to leave the rest of this to your imagination or/and comments.
They were the baked kind, though, so that's somewhat healthy, right? While I was purchasing said chips, I was also carrying some pants hangers and some soda (that's right, soda, not pop). I wondered what this said about me as a person to other observers. Since I'm sometimes hyper-aware and insecure, I took this to the next illogical leap: if you are in a new relationship, you should go to the store with this person and buy three items. You should have decided in advance what these three items are. Be as generic as possible. Don't say "Archer Farms Black Pepper and Sea Salt Baked Potato Crisps." Say "chips."
Why this will lead to hilarity (in my eyes, at least) later on is because you and your potential mate will either gel or not gel in your shopping styles. Again, don't shop for clothes. Shop for food. You need food. You will buy food regularly. This is something that will set the stage for the future of your relationship. By the way, unless you're a real masochist, your first date should not be at Target.
Pick three items, like I said. Here are the three that I spotted and so purchased:
Pants hangers
Dr. Pepper 12-pack
The aforementioned bag of chips
If we were to genericize (I like to make up words) this list, it would consist of hangers, soda, and chips. Simple enough, right?
Okay, I'm straying from the point. I do this often. What you'll want to observe in your potential mate during this time is how their shopping style compares to yours. Do they walk at the same speed as you? Do they get distracted easily from the mission? Do you? Does this matter to you? Will this matter to you later on? Imagine doing this during a more stressful time, like during 0800 on the day after Thanksgiving in a strange town. The time will come.
I'm running out of mental brainpower (bring on the jokes at my expense, friends!) and so I'm going to leave the rest of this to your imagination or/and comments.
You Say You Wanna Blogolution?
Pardon the Beatles reference.
So I've decided to start a blog. It won't always be pertinent. Sometimes I'll come across as condescending. Sometimes I'll come across as clueless. But it's always going to be a quest, and it's like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, where as much I think I'll know what I think about a specific subject, I'll rely on you, Dear Reader, to help me shape my opinions. Don't think that means you can so easily sway me. I have my own views. I'll share them. I also want you to share yours, unabashedly.
Because I'm moderately paranoid about the whole work/personal life thing, I'll probably use some sort of pseudonym. I'm not much for getting fired. To quote my older brother's yearbook: Those who know me, know me well, and those who don't can...buy me some cheese.
I may from time to time have "guest bloggers," if there is such a thing. If not, I'll have them anyway. Some of the first subjects I'll tackle are as follows:
TV
Nerd
Music
Father
IT Geek
Grammar
New Foods
Dating Advice
Old School Video Games
Happy Reading!
So I've decided to start a blog. It won't always be pertinent. Sometimes I'll come across as condescending. Sometimes I'll come across as clueless. But it's always going to be a quest, and it's like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, where as much I think I'll know what I think about a specific subject, I'll rely on you, Dear Reader, to help me shape my opinions. Don't think that means you can so easily sway me. I have my own views. I'll share them. I also want you to share yours, unabashedly.
Because I'm moderately paranoid about the whole work/personal life thing, I'll probably use some sort of pseudonym. I'm not much for getting fired. To quote my older brother's yearbook: Those who know me, know me well, and those who don't can...buy me some cheese.
I may from time to time have "guest bloggers," if there is such a thing. If not, I'll have them anyway. Some of the first subjects I'll tackle are as follows:
TV
Nerd
Music
Father
IT Geek
Grammar
New Foods
Dating Advice
Old School Video Games
Happy Reading!
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