The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

Part One:

There have been many years that I’ve celebrated this whole New Year thing and plenty of years I’ve just wanted to ignore it.  2010 has been a whirlwind of a year, full of some things from which I’m glad to move on, and packed with yet other things that excite me beyond belief and give me cause for lots of hope in the upcoming year.

I’ve not usually been the type to make resolutions, however, a couple of weeks ago, I told myself that I needed to stop procrastinating.  In fact, I decided not to wait until the first of the year to stop this just to make sure I didn’t have any excuses.  That’s not to say that I’m super organized, because above and beyond the whole procrastination thing is that I’m working on being less of a perfectionist.  I’m giving myself permission to be lazy sometimes.  It seemed that before I would just see the things about which I had been lazy and chide myself for them. 

What a waste of time that was!  Why get down on yourself about what you haven’t done?  Why not do something instead?  There were plenty of times where I stopped myself from even trying.  It was a horrible cliché.  I spent time listening to and creating depressing music.  In some ways, I have to laugh at the perpetuation of that stereotype.  All that was missing was me painting my fingernails black. 

I didn’t share my feelings with my friends or most of my family.  There were so many things bothering me (struggling with not seeing my daughter as much I'd like to after my divorce, financial woes, emotional and psychological issues) that I hid from so many because I felt like the things I was going through weren’t worth bothering others with.  I let my insecurities get the better of me time and again and unwittingly undermined some very important relationships as a result.  Those who stuck with me and supported me have my very deserving love.

It sounds weird to me to say that I forgive myself for things in the past, because I know there’s plenty that I have yet to make up for.  There are times, though, where I think you just have to admit that you messed up and that there isn’t anything you can go back and do.  It’s just ghosts haunting you sometimes, and dwelling on that isn’t going to help you move forward.  I’m sure I’ll stumble from time to time, but being able to say that it’s “no big deal” to stumble is a big deal to me.  If that sounds cryptic, I apologize.  Mistakes are okay.  I used to not think so.  That’s what I’m trying to say.

Part Two:

I lived in Las Vegas for a very short time (about 7 months) before moving to Los Angeles.  I spent one particular December 31^st on the Las Vegas Strip with my friend Kathy, getting sick off a bread pudding buffet and marveling at the throng walking up and down the Strip.  They closed off most of Las Vegas Boulevard except for pedestrian traffic and it was a madhouse. 

It was overwhelming and empowering.  I recommend that everybody do it at least once.  One summer, I was in Times Square, and I can only imagine how crazy that would get.  I think that someday I’d like to find out in person.  Sometimes I see “Freeway People” out there driving around and I ponder the life that they are headed to and then try to extrapolate that to all the other people in all of the other cars on the road.  Try it for yourself once.  That New Year’s Eve on the Strip was overwhelming because that’s a mentally and emotionally exhausting thought, but still very interesting.

Soon after I moved to Los Angeles, Minneapolis-based band Semisonic came out with a fantastic album containing several hit singles.  There was a song on that album (written by the drummer, no less) called “This Will Be My Year,” and it’s a song I mentally reflect on just as the year is drawing to a close.  I’ll leave it to you to Google or whatever if you choose.  I love the song for many reasons, which I won’t visit tonight.

Part Three:

Resolutions are usually excuses to me.  Perhaps I’ve been a bit too harsh in the past, even ignorant, because I do believe that resolutions stem from good intentions.  It’s usually to quit smoking, get fit, eat better, lose weight, or something like that.  Those aren’t bad goals, and some of them are even included in my list.  Below are my resolutions, things with which to feed my soul and to help me grow as a person.  I haven’t made any resolutions for years, so I have many of them as we close out this decade.  I’ll even list ones I’ve already “completed” just so you and I see where my head’s at.  You can feel free to preface it with the obligatory “not in any particular order” tag.

1. Music
1. To create more.  I have a ton of song ideas every day, most of which I let sit dormant and then do nothing with.
2. To improve at expressing myself emotionally via music.  To that point, I am working with a vocal coach to improve my approach technically and to drop some of the mental blocks I’ve put up in my own way.
3. To once again perform in a musical project, whether by myself or as part of a collaborative effort.
2. Mentally
1. To read more simply for my own edification about subjects with which I am not familiar and about which I am passionate.  This includes understanding opposing viewpoints.  How else am I to bolster my opinion or refute it in order to understand what I really think about a subject?
2. To uncloud my mind and think more clearly.
3. Mind Games.  I want to feel like I’m as smart as I “used to be.”  Over the years, I’ve let insecurities creep in and beat myself down.  I’m an intelligent person.  I don’t need to be the smartest person in the room.  That’s a lot of pressure.  Where they exist, I just want to take opportunities to learn and to refine my thinking.  If I'm the smartest person in the room, how can I learn anything?
4. To update some of my certifications, and to add a couple of new ones.  I’ve got the study materials.  Time to walk the walk.  Will it help me in my job?  Perhaps.  Will it help me get a different job?  I love my job but I also need to look at expanding my skills and growing my technical skills.  I’ve let them stagnate.  I’m not looking for a different job, however, I’m going to pursue these goals first and then be open to what the Universe might have in store for me.
3. Socially/Interpersonally
1. To spend more time with my friends.
2. To communicate my thoughts more clearly.
3. To cultivate more meaningful relationships with those I care most about.
4. Emotionally
1. To take criticism less personally.  I used to be horrible at taking compliments.  Criticism can be a really good and useful thing and I’ve not always seen it that way.  I don't need other people's approval to tell me if I'm worthy.
2. To accept my insecurities for what they are but not to let them limit me.
3. I’m seeing a therapist to help me wade through all the stuff in the past.  I am tired of feeling like I’m always chasing ghosts.
4. To stand up for myself.
5. Physically
1. To eat better.  Not less, just better.  I eat a lot of candy and chocolate and I’m not necessarily going to stop, but I would like to have a bit more of a balance when it comes to what I consume.
2. To take better care of myself.  This is open to interpretation, but I’ve done a few things lately to this end, including giving up most caffeine (harder than I’d thought it would be).  I’ve started to have some sort of basic exercise routine.  I used to go to the gym every morning and be one of those “wake up at 5am and go work out” people.  I don’t think I was a zealot; I just didn’t have any other time that I could do it and not feel like I was shirking other obligations.  I don’t really need to lose weight, but I want to feel more fit.
3. I’m vain.  I admit that.  I’ve often been self-conscious of my teeth not being as white as they could be.  I’ve typically taken very good care of my teeth and have only had two cavities in the last ten years.  I went to the dentist for a normal checkup and asked about getting my teeth bleached.  So I’m about halfway through the process and I like the results that I see.
4. I’ve worn glasses since roughly third grade.  I’ve tried getting fitted for contacts in the past but had mixed results, including one time that apparently ended with me coming to on the floor of the optical department at the Macy’s I worked at.  That was a little embarrassing, but it gave me resolve when I once again decided to pursue contact lenses.  It took about twenty minutes to insert the first lens, but I persevered.  I have to say that I now hate wearing glasses.  They feel alien, and it’s only been a few days since I’ve started wearing contact lenses.  My daughter calls them “windows on your eyes.” 

You’ll notice how open-ended all of these are.  Sure, there’s room for completion of things, but it would seem ironic to put some sort of ending point in sight when I’m talking about forward progress.  In the spirit of forgoing procrastination, I’m not even going to wait until midnight to post this.  Happy New Year!

IT Tech (A Missive in D Minor)

It's inevitable.  Or is it "evitable?"  Is there such a word?  I think there is now.  I'd google it but I'm on a roll, a Kaiser if you must know.  Seriously, does "googling it" mean I have to use an uppercase G?  I just figure it's so watered-down now that either version is acceptable to the judges.

Speaking of Google, it's my number one resource.  I get an error message, I gGgGgGoogol it. Golgo 13 was a Nintendo game.  Most of the time it provides enough matches and makes it so I don't even have to click on them to understand what the issue was.  I'm also "computer smart."  Intelligence/intellect/smarts:  They are all slightly different things.  I understand how computers work on a fairly low level and can understand how the different systems within the system interact and can affect each other.  So there.

At a Thanksgiving dinner with some old friends and some brand-new ones, I was asked what I did.  Once it was found out that I work on computers for a living, I got the unavoidable question "say, can you tell me what's wrong with my computer?"  But the joke was on me, for it was a joke!  This is probably the first Thanksgiving I've been at where I wasn't seriously asked to fix someone's computer.

I love working on and fixing computers.  There's a challenge in it that I relish.  I also like relish.  However, if you know an IT guy or girl, here are a few basic guidelines to follow when asking him or her about your computer:

1. IT people are used to working with computers, not necessarily people.  It may not make sense when they first start to talk.  They may not be socially "ept" enough to get to the point right away.  Also keep in mind that there is sometimes no clear, defined answer to a computer question.  "It depends" is probably how I could (and used to) start almost every answer to a computer-related question.  Be patient and persistent, but always be polite (see #3).

2. Don't expect them to work for free, but if they do, try to be realistic about time expectations.  Some IT people aren't fast even when they are on the clock at their regular jobs.  I'm often working on multiple projects and am constantly having my priorities shuffled.  There is a long-standing joke about how IT people just goof off on the Internet all day.  It's not that it's patently untrue; stereotypes exist for a reason, after all.  I'm just saying, offer to pay them but also be upfront about when you need something done and expect that real life may get in the way.  Even if you take your computer to (shudder) the Geek Squad, you can experience delays (and other heartaches).  This is because yours is probably not the only computer on which they have been asked to work.

3. Be nice to IT people.  They may not seem like they have feelings, however, as nice as they are, you may often drop to last on their "list of people to help" if you act entitled.  If you find an IT person you like, make sure that he or she receives an occasional greeting that's not just "can you take a look at my computer?"  It took quite a while for me to get used to the fact that there were some people who just said hello and didn't ask me to fix anything.  The ones that make me pumpkin-flavored baked goods are handily among me fav'rites!

4. I've run into people who have a (spouse/brother/uncle's cousin's former roommate) who also knows a lot about computers "and she said" to do this.  That's great and all, but they're not the one looking at your computer, are they?  I'm open to other people's expertise, to be sure, but sometimes I just want to be left alone to fix your broken electronics.  And damn it all if I am expected to be nice in the process!

5. Finally, if you feel like you aren't getting the responses you'd like when it comes to having someone else look at your computer, there is always yet another person who will look at it.  Keep in mind that in a town with two barbers, one with messy hair, and one with a nice coiffure, you should go with the barber who cuts the hair of the barber whose hair you prefer.  Wow, that was quite the sentence.  That is to say, you probably shouldn't let someone who constantly gets worms and viruses (either on their computer or on their person) work on your computer.  That said, even the most security conscious of IT geeks has been struck by a virus or two in his or her day.  But just like a nurse that occasionally gets a cold, this is something to break the ice with, e.g., "this is a nasty virus.  What do you do when you get a virus like this?"  I see the fact that I've had a few of these as a testament to the fact that I can more closely relate to your problems.  Because I've experienced the heartache of a crashed computer and lost files, I'm better able to say "wow, that sucks," and mean it.

Finally (part two), just like one is purportedly the loneliest number, D Minor is considered to be the saddest musical key.  Your music theory education has just commenced.

I've Lied to You All

I'm a liar.

At least, that's what this whole blog thing is about.  This is just a persona that I don.  There are flecks of my personality in there, but I've long been the type to mask my true feelings with humor.  Some call it a defense mechanism, and the some that do would be right.

It's to distract you.  It's so you'll laugh at me in a way that I can control rather than expose the fragile pieces of myself that you might laugh at and through which I might feel hurt.

Now, we all wear a mask of some sort when it comes to certain things.  In a lot of ways in my life I've been selfish and guarded.  I've been short-sighted and too quiet.  This is not meant to be some sort of confessional.  I have a lot of very good qualities, too.  I'm kind and loving and generous, sometimes too generous.  I can also be very permissive and an enabler when I least need to be.

I tell you all these things because you may think at times you'll know me from reading all this.  There is bound to be some way in which I'm exactly the same as every one of you reading these words.  Maybe this smacks of grandiosity, however, don't buy into everything I say.  It's for entertainment purposes only.  It's a novelty, and a moderately well-crafted ruse.  My brain works in some very predictable ways, some of them quite flawed.

That's what I'm here celebrating with you.  That's why, Dear Reader, I want you to be just as much a part of this as I am.  I want to explore my flaws through humor.  I want to learn to cope with them in my own way.  The most personal things I will deal with in my own, personal way.  I'm not going to completely bare my soul on the Internet.  After all, this is just for fun, right?

There, I needed to get that out.  Now I can get back to creating a fart noise ringtone generator.

Friends, Clothes, and A Few Yarns

So I'm thinking about taking one of my friends and, for the next several years, dressing them like crap.  I would do it, however, I don't want to dress like crap (easy target, folks).  Their social networking site of choice will feature them over a few years looking rundown and ragamuffin and such.  I will then submit this to "What Not to Wear" and they will be able to go on to the show and win several thousands of dollars for clothes.

Now, what we must surely remember is that the experience can not, nay, it must not be this smooth.  There are ever-increasing standards...strike that...ever-decreasing standards of fashion on these shows.  No longer can we idly sit by and witness a mere People-of-Walmart-style visual intrusion.  Nay.  I say, nay!

What I'm thinking is that I should go to the thrift store or rummage through dumpsters or hit up FreeCycle and look for the most ill-fitting clothes possible.  There would be conflicting patterns, multiple, layered plaids, and the like.  It would be very bizarre, to be sure.  And that bizzarrity would be (shhhhh) on purpose!  I would cultivate a lie using spendthrift fashion and that fashion would then make me rich!

We'd go on the show.  The two hosts (I'd only be lying if I said I knew their names when it would really be Wikipedia naming them for me) would introduce the before segment.  I'd be talking to them about how, for as long as I've know Friend A, he'd been a sloppy dresser.  Maybe a group of us had gathered as friends and scheduled some sort of intervention.  But it would always be chalked up to Friend A's "unique sense of style" or a certain (why do people always preface this with the word certain) je ne sais whatever.  The back story doesn't matter.  I might as well just start making stuff up now in preparation.  Maybe when Friend A was a kid, he believed in the Tooth Bunny or perhaps he was utterly and hopelessly convinced that the cruise control button was really used to eject passengers who misbehaved.

Then comes the shopping part.  And I've only seen the show a few times, so I'm just reaching here, but I think there would be the part where Friend A would try on all of these clothes that looked smashing on him (realize that I'm saying that as heteroly as I can), and he would poo-poo them (realize that I'm saying that as non-heteroly as I can).  The hosts would scoff at him and we'd all give these wink, wink, nudge, nudges and make fun of his obvious fashion deficit.

Cut to a commercial for some sort of pharmaceutical.

Is it just me, or is my Spam folder in my e-mail just a haven for all sorts of ways to increase sexual function?  Two and two.

Now we're in the home stretch of the clothing event.  This is where we finally convince Friend A to let the fashion experts guide him.  Of course, it's all been an act this entire time.  Friend A does not dress great in the terms of the fashion experts, but he is moderately civilized.  His socks match not only his pants and shoes, but each other.  That is the height of fashion.

They spend a lavish amount of money on his coiffure as well!  Perhaps they bring an old lover to the set to show her what she could have had if she'd only taken him on a shallow reality show!  As if Friend A would want someone so shallow!  He is a trend-setter!  He is stardust!  He has moxie!  Plaid moxie!  Two kinds of plaid moxie!  At the same time!  What a taste-maker he is now!  Even the simplest of sentences in this paragraph deserves an exclamation mark!

By now the hosts are just going gaga over their own awesomeness.  The awesometer can only go so far to the right before it swings back around, pendulum-style, to the other end of the, well, pendulum.  The hosts collapse into gibbering puddles of drool, and the end credits roll as the episode is entered into the annals as easily one of the Top Seventeen Episodes of "What Not to Wear."  Even I'm starting to buy into the hype.  And, hey, I'm the same size as Friend A so I get to wear all that expensive crap he got for being on the show. Didn't see that coming, did you, Friend A?

There would be a huge promotional package for the upcoming season.  My friend would be prominently featured on it.  Even I would make it into a few cut scenes in the commercials.  We'd be minor celebrities.

And that's when the show would get canceled.

Well, maybe there's a Hoarders spin-off to yet bamboozle myself into.

I Like to Make Up Words

You ever eat an entire bag of chips?  I did once.  Wait, that was just now.  I also consumed a crapload of sour cream in the process.  (Hey, blog editor text box, why did you underline crapload?  There!  You did it again!  Jerk!)

They were the baked kind, though, so that's somewhat healthy, right?  While I was purchasing said chips, I was also carrying some pants hangers and some soda (that's right, soda, not pop).  I wondered what this said about me as a person to other observers.  Since I'm sometimes hyper-aware and insecure, I took this to the next illogical leap:  if you are in a new relationship, you should go to the store with this person and buy three items.  You should have decided in advance what these three items are.  Be as generic as possible.  Don't say "Archer Farms Black Pepper and Sea Salt Baked Potato Crisps."  Say "chips."

Why this will lead to hilarity (in my eyes, at least) later on is because you and your potential mate will either gel or not gel in your shopping styles.  Again, don't shop for clothes.  Shop for food.  You need food.  You will buy food regularly.  This is something that will set the stage for the future of your relationship.  By the way, unless you're a real masochist, your first date should not be at Target.

Pick three items, like I said.  Here are the three that I spotted and so purchased:

Pants hangers
Dr. Pepper 12-pack
The aforementioned bag of chips

If we were to genericize (I like to make up words) this list, it would consist of hangers, soda, and chips.  Simple enough, right?

Okay, I'm straying from the point.  I do this often.  What you'll want to observe in your potential mate during this time is how their shopping style compares to yours.  Do they walk at the same speed as you?  Do they get distracted easily from the mission?  Do you?  Does this matter to you?  Will this matter to you later on?  Imagine doing this during a more stressful time, like during 0800 on the day after Thanksgiving in a strange town.  The time will come.

I'm running out of mental brainpower (bring on the jokes at my expense, friends!) and so I'm going to leave the rest of this to your imagination or/and comments.

You Say You Wanna Blogolution?

Pardon the Beatles reference.

So I've decided to start a blog.  It won't always be pertinent.  Sometimes I'll come across as condescending.  Sometimes I'll come across as clueless.  But it's always going to be a quest, and it's like one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books, where as much I think I'll know what I think about a specific subject, I'll rely on you, Dear Reader, to help me shape my opinions.  Don't think that means you can so easily sway me.  I have my own views.  I'll share them.  I also want you to share yours, unabashedly.

Because I'm moderately paranoid about the whole work/personal life thing, I'll probably use some sort of pseudonym.  I'm not much for getting fired.  To quote my older brother's yearbook:  Those who know me, know me well, and those who don't can...buy me some cheese.

I may from time to time have "guest bloggers," if there is such a thing.  If not, I'll have them anyway.  Some of the first subjects I'll tackle are as follows:


TV
Nerd
Music
Father
IT Geek
Grammar
New Foods
Dating Advice
Old School Video Games

Happy Reading!