The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

The Ghost of New Year’s Eve Past

Part One:

There have been many years that I’ve celebrated this whole New Year thing and plenty of years I’ve just wanted to ignore it.  2010 has been a whirlwind of a year, full of some things from which I’m glad to move on, and packed with yet other things that excite me beyond belief and give me cause for lots of hope in the upcoming year.

I’ve not usually been the type to make resolutions, however, a couple of weeks ago, I told myself that I needed to stop procrastinating.  In fact, I decided not to wait until the first of the year to stop this just to make sure I didn’t have any excuses.  That’s not to say that I’m super organized, because above and beyond the whole procrastination thing is that I’m working on being less of a perfectionist.  I’m giving myself permission to be lazy sometimes.  It seemed that before I would just see the things about which I had been lazy and chide myself for them. 

What a waste of time that was!  Why get down on yourself about what you haven’t done?  Why not do something instead?  There were plenty of times where I stopped myself from even trying.  It was a horrible cliché.  I spent time listening to and creating depressing music.  In some ways, I have to laugh at the perpetuation of that stereotype.  All that was missing was me painting my fingernails black. 

I didn’t share my feelings with my friends or most of my family.  There were so many things bothering me (struggling with not seeing my daughter as much I'd like to after my divorce, financial woes, emotional and psychological issues) that I hid from so many because I felt like the things I was going through weren’t worth bothering others with.  I let my insecurities get the better of me time and again and unwittingly undermined some very important relationships as a result.  Those who stuck with me and supported me have my very deserving love.

It sounds weird to me to say that I forgive myself for things in the past, because I know there’s plenty that I have yet to make up for.  There are times, though, where I think you just have to admit that you messed up and that there isn’t anything you can go back and do.  It’s just ghosts haunting you sometimes, and dwelling on that isn’t going to help you move forward.  I’m sure I’ll stumble from time to time, but being able to say that it’s “no big deal” to stumble is a big deal to me.  If that sounds cryptic, I apologize.  Mistakes are okay.  I used to not think so.  That’s what I’m trying to say.

Part Two:

I lived in Las Vegas for a very short time (about 7 months) before moving to Los Angeles.  I spent one particular December 31^st on the Las Vegas Strip with my friend Kathy, getting sick off a bread pudding buffet and marveling at the throng walking up and down the Strip.  They closed off most of Las Vegas Boulevard except for pedestrian traffic and it was a madhouse. 

It was overwhelming and empowering.  I recommend that everybody do it at least once.  One summer, I was in Times Square, and I can only imagine how crazy that would get.  I think that someday I’d like to find out in person.  Sometimes I see “Freeway People” out there driving around and I ponder the life that they are headed to and then try to extrapolate that to all the other people in all of the other cars on the road.  Try it for yourself once.  That New Year’s Eve on the Strip was overwhelming because that’s a mentally and emotionally exhausting thought, but still very interesting.

Soon after I moved to Los Angeles, Minneapolis-based band Semisonic came out with a fantastic album containing several hit singles.  There was a song on that album (written by the drummer, no less) called “This Will Be My Year,” and it’s a song I mentally reflect on just as the year is drawing to a close.  I’ll leave it to you to Google or whatever if you choose.  I love the song for many reasons, which I won’t visit tonight.

Part Three:

Resolutions are usually excuses to me.  Perhaps I’ve been a bit too harsh in the past, even ignorant, because I do believe that resolutions stem from good intentions.  It’s usually to quit smoking, get fit, eat better, lose weight, or something like that.  Those aren’t bad goals, and some of them are even included in my list.  Below are my resolutions, things with which to feed my soul and to help me grow as a person.  I haven’t made any resolutions for years, so I have many of them as we close out this decade.  I’ll even list ones I’ve already “completed” just so you and I see where my head’s at.  You can feel free to preface it with the obligatory “not in any particular order” tag.

1. Music
1. To create more.  I have a ton of song ideas every day, most of which I let sit dormant and then do nothing with.
2. To improve at expressing myself emotionally via music.  To that point, I am working with a vocal coach to improve my approach technically and to drop some of the mental blocks I’ve put up in my own way.
3. To once again perform in a musical project, whether by myself or as part of a collaborative effort.
2. Mentally
1. To read more simply for my own edification about subjects with which I am not familiar and about which I am passionate.  This includes understanding opposing viewpoints.  How else am I to bolster my opinion or refute it in order to understand what I really think about a subject?
2. To uncloud my mind and think more clearly.
3. Mind Games.  I want to feel like I’m as smart as I “used to be.”  Over the years, I’ve let insecurities creep in and beat myself down.  I’m an intelligent person.  I don’t need to be the smartest person in the room.  That’s a lot of pressure.  Where they exist, I just want to take opportunities to learn and to refine my thinking.  If I'm the smartest person in the room, how can I learn anything?
4. To update some of my certifications, and to add a couple of new ones.  I’ve got the study materials.  Time to walk the walk.  Will it help me in my job?  Perhaps.  Will it help me get a different job?  I love my job but I also need to look at expanding my skills and growing my technical skills.  I’ve let them stagnate.  I’m not looking for a different job, however, I’m going to pursue these goals first and then be open to what the Universe might have in store for me.
3. Socially/Interpersonally
1. To spend more time with my friends.
2. To communicate my thoughts more clearly.
3. To cultivate more meaningful relationships with those I care most about.
4. Emotionally
1. To take criticism less personally.  I used to be horrible at taking compliments.  Criticism can be a really good and useful thing and I’ve not always seen it that way.  I don't need other people's approval to tell me if I'm worthy.
2. To accept my insecurities for what they are but not to let them limit me.
3. I’m seeing a therapist to help me wade through all the stuff in the past.  I am tired of feeling like I’m always chasing ghosts.
4. To stand up for myself.
5. Physically
1. To eat better.  Not less, just better.  I eat a lot of candy and chocolate and I’m not necessarily going to stop, but I would like to have a bit more of a balance when it comes to what I consume.
2. To take better care of myself.  This is open to interpretation, but I’ve done a few things lately to this end, including giving up most caffeine (harder than I’d thought it would be).  I’ve started to have some sort of basic exercise routine.  I used to go to the gym every morning and be one of those “wake up at 5am and go work out” people.  I don’t think I was a zealot; I just didn’t have any other time that I could do it and not feel like I was shirking other obligations.  I don’t really need to lose weight, but I want to feel more fit.
3. I’m vain.  I admit that.  I’ve often been self-conscious of my teeth not being as white as they could be.  I’ve typically taken very good care of my teeth and have only had two cavities in the last ten years.  I went to the dentist for a normal checkup and asked about getting my teeth bleached.  So I’m about halfway through the process and I like the results that I see.
4. I’ve worn glasses since roughly third grade.  I’ve tried getting fitted for contacts in the past but had mixed results, including one time that apparently ended with me coming to on the floor of the optical department at the Macy’s I worked at.  That was a little embarrassing, but it gave me resolve when I once again decided to pursue contact lenses.  It took about twenty minutes to insert the first lens, but I persevered.  I have to say that I now hate wearing glasses.  They feel alien, and it’s only been a few days since I’ve started wearing contact lenses.  My daughter calls them “windows on your eyes.” 

You’ll notice how open-ended all of these are.  Sure, there’s room for completion of things, but it would seem ironic to put some sort of ending point in sight when I’m talking about forward progress.  In the spirit of forgoing procrastination, I’m not even going to wait until midnight to post this.  Happy New Year!